Your dad was singing this song to you in jest while you were screaming your little lungs out, but these lyrics have been going around and around in my mind ever since;
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
I have really been struggling with my return to work. As a parent (crazy I get to say this), and as a mommy (and not just anyone’s mommy, but YOUR mommy), I live with a new level of understanding of how far I can push myself. Although I am beyond tired at 3a.m. when you are leisurely eating for 45 minutes to an hour, I can’t help but relish our special time together. I love lightly stroking your sweet chubby cheeks. I love how you drape your little arm over your face and move your hand back and forth in your sleepy state, sometimes grabbing your hair and opening and closing your hand around your wispy baby locks. You fuss only a little when you are hungry, and the minute I go over to your bassinet you give me your beautiful full face smile! When you are finished eating, you swiftly drift off to sleep when I put you back in your bassinet ~ such a good baby!
As I walk out to the car to head to work, dressed in my work attire (high heels again!), I am usually emotionally stable at this point. I know daddy is watching you, and you are still having your morning snooze.
I think about you on my drive to work. I think about you in my morning meetings. I think about you when I am talking to clients. I think of you when I take “mommy breaks" to pump milk for you.
Then afternoon strikes! I get so emotional thinking about you awake at home, smiley and cuddley, and I have to try to hold my emotions at bay. In my mind I wonder if I can make it to the bathroom to cry it out, and then go back to my desk undetected. Well-meaning coworkers ask me how I am feeling and I wish I could rush home that moment, squeeze you and kiss you forever.
I want you to know I love you with all my heart and being. I wish I could stay at home with you. Just know I love you every single second of the day and happily soak up our time together when I arrive home.
This isn't only my struggle, I know millions of parents feel the same way about their little babies. I am so very thankful I have the evenings and weekends with you and your dad. I know some other mommies do not have this luxury, and have to work two or more jobs to make ends meet.
Your dad and I are going to make mistakes as parents, however, I want you to know we are committed to taking the very best care of you, physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially.
I love you my sweet baby boy, and feel so blessed God entrusted me to take care of you!
